St Valentine's Day: What Not To Give

Had he been given half a chance, we can only imagine the terrible things that Gaston would have furnished Belle with.

The sound of shelves groaning under the weight of red, heart-shaped tat can mean but one thing, Valentine's day, the most unromantic day of the year, is just around the corner. Now, last year we were good enough to sift through gifts that should, by rights, line Oscar the Grouch's home, but this year, call it resignation, call it lethargy, we have instead decided to share a list of what NOT to give, should you insist on celebrating Cupid's birthday*.

Huddle round, listen closely and please take notes as our anonymous group of cool girls reveal all, about the most repellent gifts they have ever received from a beau.

Again, you're welcome.

1. “I’d been dating a guy I’d met in freshers week, I knew he’d got around a bit before we met because of the awkward relics I’d occasionally find in his room, a pink fluro bra here, a laddered pair of tummy-tuck tights there, these things were all mentally (and literally) brushed under the carpet, not a problem. The only one which did grate on me was a giant wooden bangle which lived on his bedside table, a troll-worthy trinket of such immense ugliness it made me shudder to imagine the ogre who bore it. Imagine my surprise therefore; when my boyfriend proudly announced that he’d “bought” me a present for V-day, and presented me with a hastily wrapped parcel, containing said bangle. Even if it wasn’t roughly akin in size, shape and aesthetic value to a role of duct tape, it was the fact that he genuinely thought I wouldn’t notice which got me most."

2. "I harbored fears that my meandering, jobless, long-term boyfriend of the time did not really get me but it was cemented when I opened my 'private' Christmas gift in my childhood bedroom with him. While I was terrified that he did not have a dime to his name, he presented to me the ugliest diamond necklace I'd ever seen. It was a diamond-dotted squiggle that looked a bit like a sperm. Never mind the fact that I have an intense phobia of worms (or anything resembling them) so I actually felt a little nauseous when I saw it, it dangled in my cleavage like a shiny, silver chest hair. All I wanted to do was pawn the jewelry and give him the cash so I wouldn't have to pay the bill on all of our dates. This unnecessary gift made me cringe, but the next Christmas morning I was subjected to a more mortifying event -- opening a pair of sexy American Apparel thigh-socks in front of my parents under the Christmas tree while he watched in satisfaction. I quickly shoved them under some wrapping paper so I wouldn't have to explain what they were to my family.

3. "There seemed to be no end to the ways in which this man could say those five little words -- I don't care about you -- but this one, largely due to its sheer inventiveness, was my particular favourite. He gifted me a box of cake mix. Never should warning bells have rung so loudly in my ears. Not only is the sentiment of, "here, bake yourself something" distressing enough, but the idea that I would be unable to do so without the help of a ready packaged mix, merely heaped insult onto injury. Oh, and the icing on this cake was that it was presented to me in a very busy bar, next to an over-friendly couple, who insisted on me displaying my 'gift' to them - humiliating does not even begin to describe it."

4. "He once bought me an XXL t-shirt, since he said he liked the idea of girls wearing their boyfriends' oversized shirts to bed.  Apparently he wasn't able to part with one of his own so he gave me a new one, void of any sentimental value. (Just think about that one for a second. What was the point?!)"

5. "An ex-boyfriend once surprised me with a home-made mix CD. As we listened to the CD together, I realised that this was a mix CD made up of music that he'd created himself. On paper, this sounds like an amazing gift; thoughtful, personal and creative. Unfortunately, the music he'd made was a terrible combination of his tuneless singing and a background of very poor amateur dance music. This was all made worse by the fact that one of the songs was creepily dedicated to, and written for his sister."

6. "I once got a frame that a boy had hand glued shells to. It was one of those wooden frames from the craft store that toddlers paint on, except he went H.A.M with a bottle of glue and some seashells. Inside was a solo picture of him in an Italian vineyard, posing with a seductive look in his eye. It was all wrong."

7. "My friend's father bought said friend's mother a hoover. She threw it out of a window. The marriage ended in divorce. There's a lesson there."

8. "We had been dating long distance for a year and spent most of the big holidays apart. Finally we were going to spend a "holiday" together... my 21st birthday.  I am definitely one to make a big fuss over my birthday, so for weeks leading up to the day, I was hinting at things I liked: a nice dinner and flowers and jewelry and the usual sweet birthday gestures. He had every opportunity to make it amazing since it was a beautiful summer day and we were finally together.  How could he mess this up? By getting me a beach towel and a bag of Twizzlers. For my 21st birthday. After a year of dating. No flowers. No dinner. A BEACH TOWEL."

9. "Chlamydia."

* J.K, we aren't so cruel as to leave you completely hanging - there is but one acceptable Valentine's Day gift for that special someone, Map My Heart, the journal which can mend a broken heart,
 by the wonderful Dom & Ink.
That way the object of your affection will be prepared for when, inevitably, it all goes to shit.

What's the worst present that you've ever received from someone you were romantically entangled with?
Curious minds wish to know!